


If I Am to Become a Lump of Coal

by judgehangman



Category: Makai Ouji: Devils and Realist
Genre: Angst, Character Death, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-09-17
Updated: 2014-09-17
Packaged: 2018-02-17 17:44:07
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,390
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2317901
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/judgehangman/pseuds/judgehangman
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"And if you are a ghost, it is probably the biggest irony to ever happen to us."</p>
            </blockquote>





	If I Am to Become a Lump of Coal

**Author's Note:**

> Makai Ouji doesn't belong to me blablabla lyrics are from "Red Star" by Freelance Whales.

_I see your face at the edge of this frame_   
_Oh the light is following me in_

* * *

_Did I ever tell you how much you mean to me?_

I've been having nightmares since you've left.

_I don't think I've actually had the opportunity to. I thought you'd be scared of it, scared of my feelings, and run away like you always did when people got to close to you. I think I've always loved you more than you were ever able to love me in return, and I don't blame you for allowing me to break myself. It is my own fault that I have put my happiness and the balance of my universe into your hands._

It isn't the fact that you left that makes me have nightmares, I think the both of us know I am a stronger person than this. I could live without you in my life just fine. I probably would never be able to love you the way you wanted me to a few years ago, anyway, but I was a child, and every bit of you scared me to death.

_I tend to do that when I fall in love._

That's a lie, of course.

_Is that a surprise to you? I don't think so. You always knew I loved you and wasn't able to say those words for sheer fear that you'd just run away from me._

I have loved you more than you could ever believe, and I know it is my fault that I was never able to show you how I actually felt. But I was trying to protect myself, I was trying to stop me from breaking once again, because that's what eventually happens when you love someone, in any way that it is. They break your heart.

_I am so selfish, aren't I?_

That's so selfish, isn't it?

_But William... William, you have to understand that I never meant to hurt you._

You broke my heart because you were scared I was going to break yours.

_I never meant to hurt you but I am a fuck up and I fuck things up and I have been trying so hard to be a good person, to be happy, and I can't I can't I can't and I am sorry I got you caught in this mess. I know you never wanted any of this to happen to you, you never requested to be the one Heaven and Hell are fighting over, and you never wanted everyone to make it seem as if this war was your fault._

That's why I have nightmares, I think. The look on your face when you told me you didn't love me hurt a lot more than the words. I've known you for thousands of years, in a way, and I was able to know that you were lying about your motives. But the look on your face was the same look I've seen on soldiers when they can't keep living anymore, and it terrified me.

_You've got your own war to fight, and I think that one is scarier than the Apocalypse itself. Demons are used to wars, and angels are all soldiers from birth, so we aren't bound to make reckless decisions. Humans, on the other hand... you are scary. You have weapons that are, at times, more destructive than our powers. And you are messy. Your wars are blood and noises and dirt. And the thing about this one war is that I can't change a single thing that happens in it._

You asked me if you had ever told me how much I meant to you, and it was two days before you went back to Hell with the excuse that you couldn't keep pretending to love me in the hopes that I would eventually give up and choose you as King. And you looked as if you thought you were dying, or about to, and you looked as if you wanted to die when you said goodbye to me and it stops me from sleeping at night. But now I understand why you did that.

_The thing is, I knew you were going to die in this war._

You knew I was going to die in this war.

_There is nothing I can do to stop it. I love you more than anything in this terrible world, and I would disobey any order, would risk anything, to keep you safe. But I physically can't because you made me promise that I'd let you live a human life and die a human death and I would not try to save you if something were to happen._

I don't really blame you for leaving, knowing that. Not even when I was bleeding and I could barely breathe and the whole world was s spinning and the only thing I could think about was you and the things you said and through all the bad things, through all the pain, I never regretted falling in love with you.

_So I left. I left because I could not stand the pain. I left because I could fool myself and pretend you were safe if I was away. I left because the war in Hell brings out the worst in me, the animalistic part that couldn't care less about silly human boys with green eyes, and I was so glad to have a distraction._

That's why I called you, that day.

_But then you called me._

I called you because I was scared and I wanted to see you and I wanted to tell you everything I couldn't because if I didn't...then I think those words would haunt me for the rest of my existence, even if I were reborn.

_You called me for some reason I don't know, and you simply looked at me with tears in your eyes but you smiled when you saw me. Blood never shocked me, but seeing you bleed make my heart skip a few beats and my breath catch in my throat and I didn't want you to die._

If I am reborn, do you promise me you won't let me forget?

_Because even if you were reborn, you'd forget me again. And it isn't that I wouldn't just try to make you remember, and it isn't that I wouldn't still try to make you love me again. It is that I love you, William. The person you are now. And the person you'd be, if you were reborn... that person wouldn't be William Twining._

I know that if I am reborn, I won't be the same person I am now. It's okay. I find comfort in knowing you'd still try to find me again, and you'd still try to get through me, and you'd still try to make us have a chance of being happy.

_I've once heard that soulmates can meet time and time again, but most times, it is never the right opportunity. And I thought that maybe this time it would be the right moment, and you and I would be able to be happy. But it wasn't, and it feels as if the universe is playing tricks on me and it isn't fair._

I don't know who I am trying to fool.

_It feels as if the universe is playing tricks on me because I swear that i _f you are a ghost, it is probably the biggest irony to ever happen to us.__

I know that I will still be like this for a really long time. When Solomon died, he died by choice and died knowing that he was leaving nothing behind. That's why everything happened the way it did.

_Whenever I see you it feels as if neither of us is there anymore, and I am sorry but ghosts are neither alive nor dead. We caused so much pain to one another and you know I love you, I do, but I think maybe it is time for me to move on._

Me? There are so many things I still want to say to you.

_You need to let go of what connects you to this place of non-existence._

Did I ever tell you how much you mean to me?

 

* * *

 

_I fell apart in a foreign space  
_ _And now our ghost can wander to the edge_

**Author's Note:**

> I have no idea what the hell just happened here.
> 
> Explanations before anyone gets confused: AU in which Makai Ouji is set slightly in the future. The wars mentioned are the Apocalypse and WWI. Italics is Dantalion, normal writing is William and they are kind of talking to each other but not really. Also, I know I changed verb tenses a few times there. It's intentional.


End file.
